Today in the morning while I was sitting at my backyard and having a cup of hot chocolate, my phone rang. It was my friend from the USA who called up after a long time. I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her; while I was happy and excited to talk to her, I was able to easily sense the sound of despair. We didn't talk for more than 6 months and she was sounding so cold. Why?
I couldn't stop myself from asking her, if she is fine? Well she said yea! But she wasn't ,I could feel that. My brain called out: Hello!!!I can hear you and I know you so well...I know how you sound when you are happy... But I didn't push her much on this. Then after few minutes she said that she had a miscarriage at 5th month of her pregnancy. My brain murmured: I told you, there is something wrong with her! I calmed her down but we couldn't talk much. And we hung up.
From that moment I am getting the flashes of my recent past, giving me chills. An ocean of old negativity has revived in me. I had dumped this feeling deep inside and never wanted to experience it again, but these evil thoughts, they are back again. Haunting me every second.
Infertility is a phenomenon that not just brings a sense of unwellness but a long holding depression too. You are dying every minute. Lot is written about Infertility in medical journals. Let's not dig deep into what it is. I want to talk here about the pain which is not physical but mental and emotional. The frustration that we hide behind our beautiful facade. We laugh when we feel like crying out loud. We avoid to socialise. And there are bunch of people who are not just apathetic toward your mental struggle but makes fun of your condition. I know these days infertility is a common condition which is sad, but the good part about this is there is a story in every such heart which you can relate to and which makes people considerate about other's sentiments, but there exist some lucky careless bunch of jokers in this world who are not human enough. I have come across some of them and I am glad they came to my life at such a difficult time. They made me stronger every time I met them.
We human are innately optimistic, we believe that someday something good will happen for sure and everything will be just fine. I remember when I had my first miscarriage I literally hid myself in my room. Couldn't speak to anyone, my parents,friends or anybody for that matter. It came to me as a shock. Before those few hours I was at the top of the world, enjoying those early signs of pregnancy.Those palpitations couldn't be joyful in any other circumstances. Morning sickness could never be tolerable I didn't had that beautiful output in mind. And suddenly with those few drops of blood stains my dreams shattered.I was thrown to the ground from cloud 9.I don't know from where I managed to gather that strength to go to the doc, by myself, for ultrasound and how I could hear her saying "not viable". I could not even break into tears, I was numb, clueless. But then I was told to try again after few months and I became optimistic again until I end up into the hospital again for the same reason but little more serious this time, It was an ectopic pregnancy. I still remember soon after gaining consciousness I asked my mother, how was the baby? Well, I was verklempt and so were my parents.
But, by then I had decided, no matter how hard I'll be hit by the destiny, I am not gonna fall into peaces. I will stand up and fight back. I can't be defeated. Not this early. Not that easily. I want to live and fly and smile. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a life. This is gonna happen on and on and on. For how long will I make myself cry about such events. Is this the end of my struggle. There are going to be many such moments of distress. How many times will I be shattered. Life is all about hardship. You cannot give up. Not this early not that easily. We are struggling since we were born. How can we give up now.
So, the good thing is I became optimistic again, but this time not about having a baby in my arms but about having a life again. About enjoying every single moment of my life. It wasn't my fault, so why should I be responsible for the sorrows. Soon after I recovered I went to Goa with my best pal. It was a trip to remember. We did all sorts of craziness. Had a really fun time!!!That was the best vacation of my life!!!I completely had avoided and blocked those people who were the cause of any sort of negativity in me. I had decided that I will figure out what can be done but not by hearing any bullshit from anyone.I will only listen to my doc. I don't care what society has to say about it.
And that really worked for me. I was more happy than ever. I was healing mentally too. Now I was not thinking about the issue 24*7.
We always have a habit to pay attention on the hurdles in life, but it is every single second of our life which is more important and precious than anything in this world. Having a baby or not will not make much difference, if you are not happy. Sometimes, we do it to for the society, because we have been told to achieve a set of targets before we die,without even realising if we can afford it physically, mentally and economically,can't we be just be happy.Why do we need to count on other things in life to feel happy about?During exams if you get stuck at one problem, you would never be able to finish the paper.
And your marks surely depends on that problem but not your performance,you can still perform better by solving the other problems.
Having a baby or not is a decision, sometimes we take it, sometimes it's god who takes it on our behalf. So what! You are not supposed to achieve every milestone. Don't just rush to achieve them all the time. Just live your life, enjoy. We all are struggling, many of us will come out of this phase with success, some would not. But that's ok.It happens. Don't die before you're dead.
I couldn't stop myself from asking her, if she is fine? Well she said yea! But she wasn't ,I could feel that. My brain called out: Hello!!!I can hear you and I know you so well...I know how you sound when you are happy... But I didn't push her much on this. Then after few minutes she said that she had a miscarriage at 5th month of her pregnancy. My brain murmured: I told you, there is something wrong with her! I calmed her down but we couldn't talk much. And we hung up.
From that moment I am getting the flashes of my recent past, giving me chills. An ocean of old negativity has revived in me. I had dumped this feeling deep inside and never wanted to experience it again, but these evil thoughts, they are back again. Haunting me every second.
Infertility is a phenomenon that not just brings a sense of unwellness but a long holding depression too. You are dying every minute. Lot is written about Infertility in medical journals. Let's not dig deep into what it is. I want to talk here about the pain which is not physical but mental and emotional. The frustration that we hide behind our beautiful facade. We laugh when we feel like crying out loud. We avoid to socialise. And there are bunch of people who are not just apathetic toward your mental struggle but makes fun of your condition. I know these days infertility is a common condition which is sad, but the good part about this is there is a story in every such heart which you can relate to and which makes people considerate about other's sentiments, but there exist some lucky careless bunch of jokers in this world who are not human enough. I have come across some of them and I am glad they came to my life at such a difficult time. They made me stronger every time I met them.
We human are innately optimistic, we believe that someday something good will happen for sure and everything will be just fine. I remember when I had my first miscarriage I literally hid myself in my room. Couldn't speak to anyone, my parents,friends or anybody for that matter. It came to me as a shock. Before those few hours I was at the top of the world, enjoying those early signs of pregnancy.Those palpitations couldn't be joyful in any other circumstances. Morning sickness could never be tolerable I didn't had that beautiful output in mind. And suddenly with those few drops of blood stains my dreams shattered.I was thrown to the ground from cloud 9.I don't know from where I managed to gather that strength to go to the doc, by myself, for ultrasound and how I could hear her saying "not viable". I could not even break into tears, I was numb, clueless. But then I was told to try again after few months and I became optimistic again until I end up into the hospital again for the same reason but little more serious this time, It was an ectopic pregnancy. I still remember soon after gaining consciousness I asked my mother, how was the baby? Well, I was verklempt and so were my parents.
But, by then I had decided, no matter how hard I'll be hit by the destiny, I am not gonna fall into peaces. I will stand up and fight back. I can't be defeated. Not this early. Not that easily. I want to live and fly and smile. I deserve to be happy. I deserve a life. This is gonna happen on and on and on. For how long will I make myself cry about such events. Is this the end of my struggle. There are going to be many such moments of distress. How many times will I be shattered. Life is all about hardship. You cannot give up. Not this early not that easily. We are struggling since we were born. How can we give up now.
So, the good thing is I became optimistic again, but this time not about having a baby in my arms but about having a life again. About enjoying every single moment of my life. It wasn't my fault, so why should I be responsible for the sorrows. Soon after I recovered I went to Goa with my best pal. It was a trip to remember. We did all sorts of craziness. Had a really fun time!!!That was the best vacation of my life!!!I completely had avoided and blocked those people who were the cause of any sort of negativity in me. I had decided that I will figure out what can be done but not by hearing any bullshit from anyone.I will only listen to my doc. I don't care what society has to say about it.
And that really worked for me. I was more happy than ever. I was healing mentally too. Now I was not thinking about the issue 24*7.
We always have a habit to pay attention on the hurdles in life, but it is every single second of our life which is more important and precious than anything in this world. Having a baby or not will not make much difference, if you are not happy. Sometimes, we do it to for the society, because we have been told to achieve a set of targets before we die,without even realising if we can afford it physically, mentally and economically,can't we be just be happy.Why do we need to count on other things in life to feel happy about?During exams if you get stuck at one problem, you would never be able to finish the paper.
And your marks surely depends on that problem but not your performance,you can still perform better by solving the other problems.
Having a baby or not is a decision, sometimes we take it, sometimes it's god who takes it on our behalf. So what! You are not supposed to achieve every milestone. Don't just rush to achieve them all the time. Just live your life, enjoy. We all are struggling, many of us will come out of this phase with success, some would not. But that's ok.It happens. Don't die before you're dead.
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